The Adventures of 'Lil 'Tegra and the 'Lil Nazis
by ObsessiveOtakuChick
Summary: Just what the title says. Not QUITE crack, more like extreme AU. ON INDEFINETE HIATUS AS I LIKE THIS STORY TOO MUCH TO WRITE WITHOUT INSPIRATION.
1. Tea Lessons

Yay

Yay! My first chaptered Fic!

I'll probably suck at updating it. .

Please review, it'll inspire me!

Dedicated to Erin Ptah, the Creator of the Best and Longest running Hellsing Comic on the web, And Shine Heaven Now.…If I thought she wanted her good name anywhere near this.

o.O.O.o

Integra sat bored at her daily lessons. Her tutor was out sick and Walter was teaching her today.

"This is Earl Grey, Miss Integra. Notice the subtle underlying taste to the tea."

'Lil 'Tegra struggled to sit up straight in the massive throne-like dining chair. She reached her arm across the table, trying desperately to reach the delicate tea cup just out of reach. Her shoulders were barely level with the table top, despite the several cushions she was sitting on.

"Earl Grey is brewed from an extract of the rind of the Bergamot Orange…"

She frowned as the lace cuff of her frilly dress, which she detested, trailed in the marmalade. It was just a few more inches…

"Now, Earl Grey is a personal favorite of mine, as well as one of my heroes, Captain Jean-Luc Picard of Star Trek: The Next Generation…"

"And Artemis Fowl!" Integra interrupted, giving up on the tea cup for the moment and sitting back in her chair.

Walter turned from the blackboard where he was writing notes at the end of the table.

"I find your fascination with that particular character rather disturbing considering the amount of power you will one day be inheriting. And **do **sit up in your chair Miss Integra."

'Lil 'Tegra stuck out her tongue at him, just as he turned his back to her once again.

"Now, turning to other variations of Earl Grey…"

She once again turned her attention back to the cup of tea in front of her. Biting her tongue and furrowing her brows she stretched across the table…she could get it with her fingertips…just a little further…

"Miss Integra?"

Integra jumped, which managed to give her just enough of distance to grab the handle of the tea cup firmly. It was also enough of a movement to snap the handle off the cup and send the contents of hot tea sloshing on to her lap.

"Shite!"

"Pardon me?" Walter turned to face her, and she quickly hid the broken tea cup in her soaking lap, biting her lip against the pain of the heat.

"Um…I meant…uh…Shite…aki mushrooms?"

Walter blinked, "Yes, actually, that is correct. Yellow Earl Grey is often brewed with powdered Shitake Mushrooms. I'm impressed Miss Integra. You have an excellent palate for one your age."

Integra waited until Walter had returned his attentions to the tea set, before quietly slipping out of her chair and through the open servants' door Walter had left open when he had wheeled the tea cart in. If she could just get to her room, change, dispose of the broken tea cup and sneak back before Walter noticed she was gone…

"Going somewhere Miss Integra?"

'Lil 'Tegra winced. Walter's senses were too good for someone his age. She was convinced he had been a ninja in a previous life.

"Just to the loo, I won't be long," she said, keeping her back to him to prevent him from seeing her tea stained skirt.

"Very well…hurry back."

Fifteen minutes later 'Lil 'Tegra was in the back garden, trying to climb the trellis on the back wall barefoot, dressed in corduroys, a t-shirt stolen from one of the mechanic boys, and one of Walter's old caps to hide her long blond hair.

"Miss Integra?"

Integra knew when she was beaten. Sighing, she let herself slide to the ground, accepting the shoes and stockings Walter handed her.

"Come now Miss Integra, It's time for our lesson on the comparative economics of Europe in the 18th Century."

Integra sighed, allowing herself to turned around and trudged back towards the dining room, making sure to stand up very straight while doing so.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Germany, a Kittenboy named Schrödinger was waking up…

o.O.O.o

OOC's Reasoning: (ObsessiveOtakuChick…Ironic Lettering, eh?) Even the best and brightest have to be trained in the beginning. Sure Integra's awesome, but they had to get her there SOMEHOW, right? Yeah, I know it kind of petered out in the end. That's why I need new ideas!

What do you think? Should I continue? Or just give it up? There just isn't enough Hellsing Crack though… PLEASE REVIEW!!

P.S. I'm not making the thing about the mushrooms up. It's true!


	2. Kittenboys,Distinctions and Premonitions

Yay

Yay! Chapter Two! Um…yeah. Sorry it took so long, I've spent the past few days in HSGQE Testing, what a joke. So I spent many a good hour thinking up fanfic, and not being able to write any of it down because you're not allowed to take paper out of the room. The good news is, that after writing this chapter, I have an idea for the plot!! And I can stretch it out for a few chapters! However, after writing this chapter, and thinking about the future plotline, the rating has been bumped up to T. By the time I'm done …who knows? I'll do my best to keep it pairingless though. But since Seras and Pip aren't there yet and Integra doesn't meet Alucard for another…oh...Seven? years, it shouldn't be too hard. Oh, and ignore my crappy German accent. I'm taking French.

Thanks to my reviewers!

**Egyptiangoddessofdeath**: I think it was more Integra's father than Walter, trying to make her into a proper lady, eh?

**Mslcat**: Glad you think it's believable. Young Integra is incredibly hard to write. I know she seemed kind of sissy (in a cute way) at the beginning after her father's death before she found Alucard, but I'd like to think her Badassery is based on more than the discovery of a Master Vampire willing to obey any order she gives. As for the Nazis…let's see, shall we?

**Kitten1994**: Well…It can't be the Major or Certain Millennium members because they were shown in Hellsing: The Dawn…But as for some… ;)

**DarknessinShadows**: Thank you! Wish Granted!

**Chapter Two**

"It is your greatest triumph yet Doctor! A stroke hof Genius! So ferocious! So Terrible! So…"

"CUTE!" Rip Van Winkle exclaimed, joining the group where The Major, The Doctor, The Dandyman and The Captain were crowded around a basket.

Curled in a ball lay the young Doctor's newest masterpiece. The most adorable, (and possibly only) Kittenboy in the world, lay, purring in his sleep.

The Doctor was basking in the Major's praise, Rip was practically melting, Alhambra was leaning against a freezer bored, playing with his cards, and the Captain stood stoically.

Rip sighed. "Ah…he just brings out all my maternal instincts."

"So you ARE a woman. I was wondering," Alhambra replied, peering over her shoulder. "It's hard to tell when you're always on about not making any distinctions."

Rip snarled. "My foot will make no distinction between the floor and your ass!"

As the other members of the room turned to watch the enraged Rip chasing Alhambra around the lab, who skillfully dodged and weaved her punches and powerfully thrown objects, (many of which were worth several million dollars, as evident by the Doctor's face), the Kittenboy was woken by a particularly loud crash. He sleepily blinked, yawned widely, and stretched the length of the basket.

This was particularly fortunate for Alhambra, because Rip had finally cornered him and was about to land a devastating blow when she noticed him. In a flash she was back at his side, cooing.

"Oh, isn't he adorable? It just makes me want to…"

"So, is this your idea of 'Maternal Instinct'?" The young Dandyman asked, casually leaning against a lab table, waving a manga volume at her.

"'Loveless'…hmmm…interesting…"

Rip turned the color of a beetroot. "YOU'VE BEEN GOING THROUGH MY THINGS?" The young vampire screeched, and Alhambra was off running again, laughing so hard he would have had a hard time running had he needed to breathe.

The Major started flipping through the manga volume thrust into his hands. The Doctor glanced over his shoulder, and turned beet red at the images assaulting his eyes.

"She….she…she expects MY CREATION to do THAT?" The young genius sputtered, eyes darting furiously between Rip and the abomination in his boss' hands.

"Now, now, Doktor. This hass gifen me a Wunderbar idea!" The Major broke into a grin.

The yet unnamed kittenboy blinked owlishly up at all of them, before curling himself into a ball around the Captains feet and going to sleep. The Captain didn't look down and continued to stare at the back wall, ignoring the purring mass on his boots.

"Get back here and face your fate Dandyman!"

**Meanwhile in London:**

Integra shivered and blurted out, "I just had the most horrible feeling!

Walter looked over at her, "There there Miss. I feel that every time I watch an episode of The Next Generation. What were they thinking with Wesley Crusher's character?"

Integra sighed, shaking off the feeling and returning to her "Cultural Education Lesson."

**Author's Note:**

Schrodinger: Reviews make me purr!

OOC: You can't do that!

Schrodinger: Why?

OOC: It's Extortion! You're using your cuteness to bribe people into reviewing!

Schrodinger: I'm …Cute?

OOC: Oh Dear God. What have I done?

…Anyone who hasn't read 'And Shine Heaven Now' and call themselves Hellsing fans DO IT NOW: /

Read Return of the Fangirls, it's my favorite. . silent squee

P.S. For anyone who doesn't know, Loveless is a shounen-ai manga series featuring catboys.


End file.
